Linebacker

Linebacker was a short, stubby young boy. Linebacker was his first, middle, and last name. He was born to play football. Ever since the football player was three years old, he enjoyed smashing into his schoolmates in kindergarten, causing extreme pain, and in most cases, hospitalization.

Linebacker’s motto was: “If it stands in your way, it deserves to be Linebackered”. Doors? If Linebacker was around, you wouldn’t have any to begin with. But his motto was also his fatal flaw.

One day, Linebacker was hutting his way through town, causing trouble everywhere he went. You see, Linebacker loved making people jealous of things he had, and they didn’t. Linebacker passed the bridge and spied a couple of homeless people huddled under a trash fire. He remembered their names, Billy and Jimmy, was it? He rubbed his gloved hands together and called to them. “Hey Billy! Jimmy is hoarding a stash of rubber duckies under his coat! You might want to take them-“

Billy jumped onto Jimmy, and the two homeless people started pummeling each other. Linebacker grinned and hutted away. “I like causing fiiiighttss!!”

Linebacker soon came across a skyscraper. He gazed up and growled. The 50,000-foot building was in his path. Linebacker revved up like he always did when he was about to Linebacker a colossal inanimate object. “line. LINE. LINEBACKERRR!” Linebacker screeched like a dying horse on the last rev, and he zoomed forward like a bullet. The skyscraper groaned like a falling water tower, and 5000 tons of concrete came falling. Linebacker gazed up sullenly and he realized his inevitable fate as the first concrete slab smashed Linebacker deep into the earth.